PYHO - I love you Mama, forever

Since it's October and I'm elbow deep in work with this event for Renee's Family I thought I'd talk a little bit more about my Mommy today for my PYHO post.  I wrote a post earlier this week about her, titled I used to be that little girl. 

I feel the need to talk about it again, because I finally feel open enough to share that part of my life and because talking about my experience openly and honestly has moved and motivated some of you to donate to Renee's family.

Also, if anyone reading this would like to participate in the event you can read this and get an idea of what is going on and you can email me at:
ZombieHousewifeBlog@gmail.com

 

My Mother was a beautiful woman.  As I said before she was always put together, never left the house without her makeup on and her hair fixed.  She always wore earrings.  She always put on some jewelry before leaving the house for the day.  I remember the way she smelled, like the perfume she always wore.  I would buy her a bottle of it each Mothers Day.  No matter what I would always pick out that same bottle for her, each and every year.  That perfume was an extension of my mother, of who she was.  I'll always relate that smell to her in my mind, without even thinking about it.  

I was in awe of my Mommy as a little girl.  How she would take a black pencil and line her eyes, so perfectly.  How her lips were always stained that perfect shade of color, a red-ish color.  How her hair was always curled just so.  The way her skin seemed to be the perfect shade, not too dark to where it looked like she had been baking in the sun for days, but not light enough to imply that she never left the shade in the summer.  She was the perfect color, I always thought.  She was a bit darker complected than I, but albinos are darker than me so that isn't all together surprising.

She always knew what to say, not just to me but to everyone.  She was friends with everyone.  Everyone loved my Mommy!  Even now when I happen across someone who knew her they will tell me how much they just loved Brenda, what a good friend she was and more than that what a good person she was.  When they say these things I am simultaneously proud, blessed and jealous.  I am proud because that wonderful woman they are speaking about contributed half of my DNA, and I know I share some of the same qualities that they are praising her for.  I am blessed to have known her, to be her daughter and to have both loved her and been loved by her.  I am jealous because they have memories of her, and I have just a cherished few, and I feel as though it is not fair that these people get to remember her more, know her better and have had more time with her than I did.  

I sometimes feel cheated because I only got to know my Mommy as a little girl knows her Mother.  I never got to know her as a tween or preteen, a teenager or a grown woman knows their Mother.  I never got to be her best friend.  I never got to call her immediately after I take a pregnancy test and it comes up positive.  She wasn't the person I called when Justin asked me to marry him.  She wasn't the woman to my left, holding my hand as I pushed her second and third grandsons into the world.  She wasn't the one helping me get ready for prom or teaching me how to put makeup on when I was finally allowed to wear it to school.  I didn't and she wasn't because she was not here for any of those things.

I miss her, but more than the things that I remember us doing together I miss the things that we should be doing together today.  Isn't it funny how you can miss something that never happened?  How you can miss your Mom holding your sons when she has never physically held them and she never will?  How you can miss calling your Mother when you have a problem with your husband or with a friend or when your son starts to walk, when you've never been able to pick up the phone and call her for any of those things?  I miss those things more than it seems possible to miss anything in the world.  I miss my Mommy.  I miss her so much that sometimes it physically hurts me.

I miss her like crazy, each and every day I think of her.  I look a lot like her, everyone tells me that.  I have a lot of her qualities as well.  I'm a loving and loyal friend, and I truly care about helping others.  I'm a devoted Mother and Wife, just like she was.  I try my best at every single thing I do, which is something I got from her as well, because she never half arsed anything she did she always put her whole self into things, and I'm the exact same way.  We share a mutual love of music, and I got my taste for Johnny Cash from her.  I also inherited her temper, which means that it takes a lot to get under my skin and really get me going, but when you push me there it's not pretty and you'll probably rethink your actions that put me there.  I'm very willing to

I was just a little girl when she passed away.  My Dad had a really hard time with it, he lost the love of his life and was left behind to raise a young daughter as a man alone.  With no woman to help guide him on how to raise me.  A lesser man may have crumbled under that pressure of raising a very little girl alone after she just lost her Mommy to cancer, but not my Daddy.  He truly rose to the occasion, giving me a better life than a lot of people have.  Just like the promised my Mom he would.  I know she must have been so worried about me and my older brother, who was already on a self destructive path.  If she were here, she would still be worried about him, but I'm worried about him & his kids enough for the both of us.  

My Mom was one of the hardest working people I've ever known.  She worked every day of her life either at home or at her job.  She did this so that she would be able to give her family the best life possible.  She always talked about wanting to take a year off and stay home with me, but that never came to be.  She passed away before she had the chance.  But I am forever grateful to have had what time with her that I did, because she has given me some of the most cherished memories that I have.  I hold each and every one of them near to my heart and even though I can not remember the sound of her voice anymore I can still remember my times with her.  Those special times that we shared as mother and daughter.  I don't remember a lot of them, because I was so young when she passed, but the ones that I do remember are beautiful and special.  

I love you Mommy, so much!  Even though I'm all grown up, you're still the most beautiful, kindest and most wonderful woman I know.  I love you and I miss you each and every day!  I promise to always tell my boys about you, so that they will know that they have a Grandmother up in Heaven looking down on them and who loves them more than anything.  Someone who would have thought of them as the most beautiful little boys to ever exist and someone who would have cherished them just as much as their Mommy & Daddy do!  You were the best Mom I could have asked for, thank you for all that you did for me and all that you did with me!  I miss you just as much today as I did when  I was a little girl and you were in the hospital.  You are a very special person to me, and I promise to do my best to make you proud of me!  I love you so much!

PYHO- To my Baby Loves

Dear Aiden,

Aiden!  My darling boy, sweet as pie and all personality.  These days you are insisting on doing everything on your own.  Big things, small things -- everything all on your very own!  It's a kind of bitter sweetness that I never knew existed.  I love it because it's validating as a Mommy to see your baby boy grow into a loving, self-assured, imaginative, beautiful, independent and very kind little boy.  It's bitter though because I loved being the one to do all of those things for you.  I know that it's a Mothers job to teach you to do all of those things yourself, to teach you to be kind and sympathetic to others but to not let people walk all over you and to teach you how to grow into your own person so that one day you can be a wonderful grown man with good values and a good upbringing and childhood.  It does go by so fast though.

Today, as I sit thinking about your 4th birthday I really feel extra blessed to be your Mommy.  Because you are amazingly kind for a 4 year old little boy.  You have an imagination like no other I've ever seen, and I can have better conversations with you than I can have with most adults, you're so smart.  And you're sweet!  Lord, are you ever sweet -- you're just as sweet as pie, and you love everyone around you with your full heart.  You're the first one to offer something of yours to a sick cousin or friend, giving them candy, toys, juice, food or whatever it is that you have that you think will make them feel better.  You say 'I Love You' to all of your family and friends before you leave them, and you give out hugs like nobodies business!  I'm proud of the little boy that you are, and I'm proud of your Daddy and myself for having raised you to be the child that you are.

It won't be long until you are four years old.  Has it really been almost four years since the first time I saw that angelic little face of yours?  I love watching you grow, but I miss your younger days.  I suspect that it's always going to be that way, even when you're 40.  You've taught me so much about myself, about love and about the world.  Most importantly you taught me that with little boys you want to lay something over them while you're reaching for the diaper to put on them because that split second is the second they will choose to pee, directly on you, almost every time.  Before I had you I was a whole other person!  I am a better version of myself because of you, you. Jagger and Daddy truly do bring out the best in me.  It is because of you that I know how to be a better wife, a better friend and a better person in general.  You taught me what love truly is, real unconditional love the kind that can't be broken.

Don't grow up too fast, love!  Always know that Mommy is here for you, no matter what you've done or what you've been through.  You're such a special little guy, and you're pretty handsome as well, if I do say so myself!  You've got a HUGE personality and you're not like anyone I've ever know, child or adult.  I love how innocent you are, and how your personality can capture an entire room full of people.  I love how sweet you are and how bad you feel when someone else is sick or crying.  I love how much you love your brother, how protective of him you are and how you like to play with him and share with him.  

To sum it up and quote one of our favorite books to read together:

"I love you through and through!  Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow too!"

I miss the friend you used to be

I had something written up for Pour Your Heart Out with Shell today, but then I decided to keep that private for now, but I'm sure I'll post it at some other time.  So instead of just doing a regular pour my heart out post I'm going to combine it with my Open Letters thing, because I forgot to post my open letter yesterday, and since it is personal I figure it can be used as my post for PYHO!

Dear Ex-Friend,