Monday, October 4, 2010

I used to be that little girl...

Has everyone read about Gucci's friend and her family?  You really need to read that post to fully understand this post.  Her friends husband has been diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer, and that family has lost their home and they have no income.  They have 3 children that need clothing for the harsh Montana winter, and basic items as well.  The Mom seems like such a lovely person, and such a giver.  I'm going to explain why it's so important that we reach out and help families like that today.

I can really relate to the little girl in that family.  Because I was that little girl.  My Mommy was diagnosed with Cancer when I was about 5 years old.  I didn't know what cancer was then.  By the time she was diagnosed her back had been hurting for about a year or so.  My Mother was a hard worker, she always had a job.  She used to say that her dream was to be able to take a year off of work and stay home with me!  She worked at a grocery store for as long as I can remember until I was 3 or 4 years old.  Then we moved from West Virginia to Virginia, and my Daddy bought my Mom the house she wanted, because she deserved it.  She got a job at Tultex, sewing clothing and such.  I can still remember how excited she was that she would be able to work sitting down, instead of standing on her feet each day.  When she worked at the grocery store, she was on her feet all the time, and often had to attend meetings late into the night because she had worked her way up the ladder at that store. 

I remember going into the grocery store, and the ladies my Mommy worked with used to let me ride down the checkout line on the belt thing that moved when I was very little.  I used to sit on it and ride down to the end, where I would give my Mommy a kiss & a hug when I got to her.  But my Mom was a smoker.  My brother & I begged her to quit.  If I had known what was to come I would have begged a little harder, cried a little more, and hidden her cigarettes and break them a little more often.  But I didn't know anything then, except that my Mommy & Daddy were my whole entire world.

We moved to Virginia and my Mommy got her new job and her new house.  She would drop me off at daycare early in the mornings, and each day we would stop and get donuts and a chocolate milk, or sometimes a Mr Pibb or Dr Pepper if I was really good and asked nice enough.  She would kiss me and I would get lipstick on my face, then I would wipe it off.  She always would say "Did you just wipe my kiss off, Ashlee"  and I would reply with the same thing daily "No, Mommy, I was just rubbing it in!" 

Then I started school.  We lived close by, and on my Mom's days off she wold walk me there and pick me up and we would walk home.  I always wore dresses, because my Mom always dressed up, she always looked so put together and had her hair fixed and her makeup done.  So I wanted to be like her, so I wore lots of dresses, and she fixed my hair daily.  I loved my Mom.  She baked my birthday cakes, she put ribbons in my hair, she took me shopping and she took my older brother and I to Wendy's to eat once a week. 

Soon though our shopping trips turned into doctors visits, and when I would walk into her bathroom to get my hair done in the mornings I would find her crying and sitting in the floor.  I was an emotional child, and my Mom crying made me cry.  More than that it made me worry.  Why is my Mommy so scared?  Why is she crying? 

Chemotherapy, radiation, doctor visit after doctor visit after doctor visit.  Then she was admitted into the hospital.  My Daddy quit his job, because he was and still is hopelessly devoted to my Mother.  He spent his days & most nights at the hospital with my Mom.  I spent quite a few nights laying beside her and cuddled up to her in her hospital bed as well.  I would get ready for school at the hospital a lot.  I always slept with my Mom at home, and it was hard for me to sleep without her.  Then my Aunts came in from Maryland and from Washington DC.  They stayed at my house with me for months, paying our bills, taking me to school, shopping, to the hospital daily to see my Mom.  The Church helped out too.  We always had everything we needed, because we were lucky enough to have family that was well off, and my parents did well.  We were lucky enough to have a Church Family that did anything they could to help us, and family friends that would reach out to us with open arms. 

I stayed with family, I stayed with my friends, I stayed at my house with my Aunts and I stayed at the hospital with my Mommy.  All she wanted was to come home.  So we started preparing for that.  We got her a hospital bed, it was in our living room and I slept in it.  We got her pills from the pharmacy, they were above the washer and dryer in the cabinet, hidden from my brother who was almost 17 at the time and had been getting high and drunk to cope.  We had everything that she needed.  We were just waiting.  They had already told me that she would die.  I didn't even know what that meant.  I cut all my hair off, so my Mommy could see me with short hair.  I got a bob.  It was beautiful, I was beautiful, that's what she said. 

When she died I wasn't there.  I spent the weekend with my friend Jessica and her family, because I wanted to go to Church, and pray for my Mommy.  She passed away, literally, while I was in Church that Sunday.  We got home and 10 minutes later my Daddy came to the door and talked to Jessica's mom.  Then my Dad, along with Jessica's Dad and Mom came down the stairs to her bedroom.  They sat me down, and told me that my Mom had went to be with Jesus today.  My Daddy was crying.  He asked if I would please come home with him, and I didn't want to.  I wanted to stay with Jessica, at least I thought anyway.  He left the house crying.  He didn't even make it off the sidewalk by the time I was out the door, running at him and yelling for him to take me home.  I was afraid that if he left me there, that I would never see him again either.

I still feel like I never got to say goodbye to my Mommy.  I still miss her, each and every day.  It pains me greatly that she will never get to (physically) hold my boys, my beautiful boys.  Though it is my belief that she held them both before I did, and sent them to me to help me.  I'll probably write about why I believe that at some point.  But not today. 

That family, those two little girls and that little boy, deserve to have what I had.  The deserve to spend time with their Daddy while he is sick without having to worry about what they will eat or where they will sleep.  Their Mommy deserves to be able to worry only about her husband getting better, not whether she will be able to get her kids clothing, a real dinner or winter coats.  They deserve to spend this time focusing on their sick loved one, instead of worrying about finding a job, a house.  They deserve to go through this tragedy without having additional burdens tacked onto their already weighed down shoulders.  They deserve what I had when I was a little girl, some stability in a very unstable and sorrowful situation.  Please help us all to give them that little bit of stability back, to let them worry only about their Daddy or their husband getting better!

These children are living in an RV outside of the hospital that their Daddy is in, they are using the Hospitals electricity, but that is a temporary situation.  They live in Montana, and the winters are fierce there.  They're growing out of their clothing so fast, and their Mom had been a homemaker, like so many of us are, for years and years.  Their only son is Autistic, like so many of our loved ones are.  Their Mother can't find a job, and it is my belief that she should not have to.  She should be able to spend time with her family right now, with her husband, they deserve to not worry about where their next meal will come from when they should only be worrying about that man getting better and wondering if he will be able to see his children graduate, get married and have kids. 

If you have ever lost a loved one to Cancer then you know how painful that battle is, you know how painful their situation is.  Now imagine watching you husband or your Daddy fight that battle while you're homeless, while you're hungry and while you're cold.  This man who is valiantly fighting this insidious disease is in his hospital bed right now, worrying not only about healing and getting better, but also about where his wife and children will live, what they will wear when the snows come and how they will support themselves when that has always been his job.

I'm not asking you, I'm begging you to help this family.  If you can give even 5 dollars, then give 5 dollars.  If you can give coats for the kids, please give them.  If you can give them some gift cards, for their basic needs, I'm begging you to give them!  Please, if you can do anything at all then do it! 

You can visit Gucci to read the in depth version of what this family is suffering!  If you want to help you can get in touch with me at or on Yahoo IM at and I will fill you in on the many ways that you can help this beautiful family and put you in touch with Gucci!



Anonymous said...


Your Mom is smiling down on you Ash...she always has been. Cancer is fucking evil. I hate it with all of my being. This is a beautiful post...I donated, as it's the least I can do.

Gucci Mama said...

Ashlee, I NEVER EVER cry. Ever. But I am now. Your story is so heartbreaking, yet you wrote it so beautifully. I believe your Mommy held your boys before you did too. She sounds like such an amazing woman. And you are amazing too.

Thank you so much for all of this. You've really touched my heart today. ;)

K said...

I was that girl too. Read Gucci's post and shared on my blog. Following you now too.

Kristy said...

I donated some money through paypal and I'll try to find some clothes to send them too...

Kerry McCullough said...

Hi there! I'm your newest follower from Monday Blog Hops. Looking forward to reading more. Mine is Hope you'll stop by :)

Babes Mami said...

Aww Ashlee! :-( So sweet and touching and sad. You have brought tears to my eyes. Fabulous post!

♥Cari♥ said...

My story is very similar to yours - except it was my sister, not my mother. We had such a wonderful web of support between family and friends. It was truly a blessing.

Anonymous said...

Oh Ashlee this is a beautiful and heartbreaking post. Your mother sounds like an amazing woman. xoxo

Ange said...

I ♥ you.

You had me read this earlier, but I have came back to read it again and again. People like you who share these stories is what is going to get people more motivated to help.

Life Without Pink said...

What a beautiful post. I could feel your emotions reading this. I am so sorry you had to go through this, so sad.

Renee said...

I have been overwhelmed in seeing the support coming in. So far reading your blog post here has brought me to tears and moved me the most. I deeply thank everyone for the support we are receiving. There is no such thing as too little. I don't care if its prayers it is all needed. To think this all spiraled from a mutual friend of Stephanie and mine whom has a big mouth, but I love her dearly. I have been quiet to the extent of our situation. I am so use to pushing forward to get what needs doing done...that mode took over and I just keep going from this possible door to that for assistance. We have to apply every 90 days with dr.s filling out forms stating he needs in home care in order for me to not have to work and remain by his side thru this time just for the $600/mo state funds. You can only get this for 60 months your entire life. I can only pray the dr.s are correct and he will be back on his feet in about a year. But has been told he needs to change line of work when that time comes. Many thanks to all

The Random Blogette said...

This just breaks my heart that you had to go through this at such a young age too. You are such a beautiful person Ashlee inside and out!

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