Monday, September 6, 2010

The How To Deliver a Baby in a Haunted House with No Electricity and No Running Water Seminar

Here's a little bit of the back story, so that you don't think I'm insane.  My best friend Kristy and I ran a website in High School called Sweet Sale.  We posted a lot of creative writing projects that we collaborated on, and some other things.  We no longer have a website or blog together, but we do ocasionally still work together on various creative writing projects and ideas.  This is one such creative writing project from the strange, strange minds of Kristy and I.  This came about while watching a Haunting show while I was pregnant with Jagger.

The Seminar!

Hi, and welcome to our seminar, which is brought to you by the makers of NASA "Smarter than you since the Kennedy era".  Today we're going to teach you how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water.

First things first...The mother will likely begin freaking out about having to be in labor in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water. Reassure her that everything is okay. You have taken a seminar called "How to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water".

Next, have the mother lie down on an old dusty sheet that you found covering the furniture. This is a very important step as this will help keep blood off the floors and help prevent shark attacks. This will also help when you need to move said mother from the environment later.

Also, it is very important to make the father feel like he is a very important part of this process. Tell him to call 911. If he is unable to do so since he is in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water, then advise him to go out and create smoke signals. Also, send him to get some boiling water. If he unable to produce boiling water, then be sure to yell obscenities at him until he tries harder. If this doesn't work, be sure to throw things at him as well. Nine out of ten new fathers say that this technique was enough to make them try harder to find boiling water.

Contrary to popular believe, ghosts are not very helpful when delivering babies.

Okay, now lets get ready for the action. First, you should put on some rubber gloves. If you do not have any, as many people do not pack around rubber gloves then a good old pair of oven mittens will work just fine. Also, you will need a super soaker water gun to help clean the baby afterwards.

If the mother is screaming in pain, you should tell her "SHHHHHHHH I'm trying to listen to the ghosts."  Also, if you are selling Avon this is a great time to ask her to buy some. No new mother wants to go to the hospital without a fresh face.

Once the baby is born you will have to get the father to chew through the cord. Be sure to take a picture of this, as this will likely be his first act of cannibalism. It is also a good idea to take many pictures of the entire event to prepare as a scrap book for later.

Now its time to move the mother. The ambulance probably hasn't arrived yet, as smoke signals are not universally recognized. Now you need to pick up the sheet she is on and drag it through the forest. Warning, bleeding mothers have been known to attract sharks. It is a good idea to move as fast as possible and avoid going in circles. If the mother is cursing and screaming at you, this means it is working. It is also a good idea to cover up the blood as you leave. You should get an Indian guide to help you with this task. It is a good idea after the husband has failed to produce boiling water to get him to conjure up an Indian guide spirit. 11 out of 10 ghosts in haunted houses with no electricity and no running water were once real life Indians. A good way to conjure up an Indian spirit is to ask "How about them Red Skins?  Do you like them for the super bowl this season?"

At this point its a good idea to make sure you still have the baby. If you find that you do not, then you probably left it in the haunted house with no electricity and no running water, which is very irresponsible, how is that baby supposed to get a drink? But before dwelling in your own self pity and shame, you need to go back and get the baby. Grab the sheet that the mother is on and turn around and go back. If she is cursing and screaming at you, that means its working. Just a reminder, ghosts have been known to put babies in drawers, so be sure to check all the drawers. Also, ghosts that have died from consumption still carry the disease, so hold your breath as you grab the baby. The best way to carry a baby out of a haunted house with no electricity and no running water, is by the foot. If the baby cries and screams that means its working. Also, you can opt to carry the baby like a football and scream "Woo, go Red Skins!" while running out of the house.

If the mother hasn't died yet from hemorrhaging, then you should give the baby to her.

This would be a good time to stop and have some toast. There is a lovely toaster you can buy that makes the face of hello kitty. It comes as part of the deluxe edition how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water kit. (Hello kitty brand batteries sold separately.) (It only takes 10 batteries to power this toaster for 10 minutes.) (Hello kitty dildo sold separately.) (Hello kitty hemorrhaging plugs, aka diva cups, are only sold with our super deluxe how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water kit.)

After you have had a nice piece of toast and you have made it back to civilization, you need to call 911. Be sure to ask them why they did not get your smoke signals earlier. If they seem confused just assure them that they are stupid and they can't read. Then be sure to request an ambulance and ghost busters. This is a good time to send back the Indian spirit guide. A good way to do this is by saying "Woo I'm on the Dallas Cowboys."

Don't worry if ghost busters arrive before the ambulance. With the economy being down, most people opt to live with their ghosts, no matter how annoying they are and therefore, business is slow for these guys. When the EMTs arrive, be sure to tell them all the things you did to help the mother. If they look at you like you're stupid, explain to them that you've taken the "how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water" seminar. Now is a good time to show him your business card that reads

You will get $5 for every sale and $2 for everyone that buys from them.

11 out of 10 people have been kicked out of the ambulance for this.

11 out of 10 people have been born in a haunted house with electricity or running water.  Some famous people include:  President Obama, 50 cent, Tom Cruise (Hollywood actor and inventor of the Hoover-Round), Marilyn Manson, Bill Gates, Sigmund Freud (the inventor of incest), Phil Specter, Lil John...and the East Side Boys, Siegfried (but not Roy), and Carrot Top just to name a few.

We hope you have enjoyed our seminar and please take the time to check out our other titles such as "So you got sued because of the first seminar" seminar, "How to deliver a baby in apocalyptic conditions" seminar, "How to get away with not feeding your child and other cost effective solutions" seminar and the "So this seminar pretty much makes me a doctor?" Seminar.



McKenzie said...

You crack me up! Very creative writing =]

Crazy Brunette said...

Oh fuck me... I damn near died!

I had to STOP several times in the midst of reading this to BREATHE and then start reading again...

You are a funny bitch hooker!

If I didn't already write for 2 blogs besides my own... we'd SO have to start a blog together...

Something like Ashley and Ashlee Rock This Shit...

you could be in charge of the title since you are obviously the creative one!! As long as it was Ash & Ash something... because that is CLASSIC!

I LOVE you bitch!

Kristy said...

Yay! Now your readers will never have to worry about how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water. Their lives are much safer now, thanks to your blog :D

middle child said...

Three questions.
1 - You were a freshman in H.S. when you wrote this?
2 - You were pregnant with who?
3 - Were you on crack or something else?

Diva said...

That was SO funny! Brilliant!

♥Georgie♥ said...

HYSTERICAL!!!!! stopping by from FMBT and am your newest follower

DazzleMea said...

I /knew/ Carrot Top was born in a haunted house with no electricity or running water...That would explain a lot of his behavior. :nods head:

D. Scandal said...


~J said...


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