Wednesday, September 1, 2010

I miss the friend you used to be

I had something written up for Pour Your Heart Out with Shell today, but then I decided to keep that private for now, but I'm sure I'll post it at some other time.  So instead of just doing a regular pour my heart out post I'm going to combine it with my Open Letters thing, because I forgot to post my open letter yesterday, and since it is personal I figure it can be used as my post for PYHO!

Dear Ex-Friend,

I always thought you were an honest person.  People would tell me that you weren't, but I had never known you to be dishonest with me, so I didn't believe them.  Or maybe I just didn't want to believe them or maybe I ignored the signs.  I don't know.  But I did, I used to think you were an honest person.  It seems like such a long time since I've seen you as an honest person.  It seems like such a long time since I put my hand on the mouse and clicked the button that would remove you from my life.

Back then I thought you were a good friend.  You seemed like you were, then again you also seemed like an honest person, all be it a seemingly blunt honest person who lacked tact, but an honest person none the less.  I tried to ignore the small things, but over time the small things add up.  You would be rude and hurt my feelings for no reason.  Looking back I now know that you're one of those "friends" who get mad at people who consider you a friend for no reason, and that sometimes you pretend to get mad and/or pout for attention.

You would pick on me and make fun of me, and we would laugh about it - because I can laugh at myself, because I don't take myself so seriously like that.  But you aren't like that, no not at all.  If I and another one of our friends were to pick on you a little bit and pretend like we were going to tell a mutual friend that you had said you were sorry for something to someone, you would get mad.  You would over-react, you would ignore us on the phone, or you would hang up on us and not answer when I called you back to ask why you hung up - because you can't laugh at yourself, and you apparently do take yourself so seriously like that.

You would tell me what to do, and you even got mad at me once when I wouldn't pick sides when you & a mutual friend were in an argument with another one of my friends.  I don't like it when people try to make me pick sides when two of my friends are fighting.

I can not tell you how many times you got mad and hung up on me for absolutely no reason.  But have you ever ONCE stopped and asked herself "What about all the times that I hurt Ashlee's feelings, what about all the times that she was mad or hurt because of me?  Why didn't she ever hang up on me, or ignore me because of something small?"  I don't think you have, I really truly don't.  But you have the audacity, the nerve to act like I betrayed you or wronged you in some way.  That's what really gets me, after all the things I pushed back, forgot about, let go of, ignored and/or told myself weren't important enough to jeopardise our friendship YOU try to act like I'M the sole reason that we aren't friends.  You act like I did something horrible to you,and I don't believe that I did.

But I guess that you don't see that, right?  Hmmm?  I'd love to know!  To think, I actually sat here thinking to myself "Maybe I over-reacted.", "That's just how she is, she gets mad & she jumps the gun." and "Maybe I should have given her the chance to explain her actions, and why she did that before I decided to cut off our friendship.  Maybe I should have given her another chance.  Maybe it was just a huge misunderstanding."   I can't believe I even thought any of those things, I really can't.  Because you say that I have "talked shit" about you.  Since when is telling the truth talking shit?  It's not!  Did I talk about what happened openly, yes I did.  The only things I said about you that didn't have to do with me explaining what happened was when I said "fuck her" and I may or may not have called you a bitch.

I stand by those two things I said.  Yes, fuck you - because I will NOT be walked all over and lied about.  Yes, you were being a bitch - a self-important bitch at that, because my FB

Then you went and you proved the people who told me you were an attention seeking liar right.  You lied on me yet again, saying that I wasn't a good friend to you and I only talked to you when I had a problem.  I was a damn good friend to you, and I'm a damn good friend in general.  I'm a loyal friend, and I will stick by someone through most anything.  I do my best to be there for my friends every time they need me, and to give to them anything they need when I have it to give.  I do the best I can to be there to lend them an ear and a shoulder to cry on, and to give them honest advice when they ask for it.  I'm the first person to send someone a get well card, or to call and see how their child's doctors appointment went.  So there is no way in hell that it could be true that I only talked to or called you when I had a problem.  I talked to you almost daily, and I called you at least 4 times a week and I don't really have problems at least 4 times a week.

I'm sure I did call you at some point when I had a problem, but that was not even close to the only time I called.  I should have known you would react like that, I really should have known you would react like that and lie after you lied the first time when you said I was "yelling" at you when in reality I have never yelled at you in my entire life, because that's not who I am and I'm not like that.

Even now, when I am so hurt and so mad that you would lie about me like that, I'm not saying that you're the only reason that our friendship ended.  I'm just saying that I was a good friend to you, and I loved you and I considered you to be one of my very best friends ever, but I did NOT stab you in the back.  I even apologized to you when I was thinking that I over-reacted, but I NEVER received an apology from you about lying about me, lying about my actions or anything like that.

Honestly, it hurts my feelings that I was willing to be the bigger person and was willing to try to work through the issues AGAIN, but you just want to sit there and act like you didn't do anything wrong.  You've hurt my feelings and offended me on more than one occasion.  Like when you were venting about something once and you ended up talking shit about SAHM's, you hurt my feelings, offended me and at least one of our other mutual friends also by doing that, but as usual I just excused it as you being you and jumping the gun and not thinking before you spoke.  I excused a lot of things, and forgave a lot of things without an apology. 

It bothers me that we are no longer friends, and it hurts me that you would lie about me.  I don't talk about it because I don't want to put our mutual friends in an awkward situation.  But it bothers me and hurts me none the less.  I'm not going to sit here and just keep it bottled up though, because I DID explain why I decided to end our friendship to you, and you decided to lie about it anyway I guess.   Just like I always have before, I do forgive you for anything and everything, because I try to always forgive people but that doesn't mean that the lies and such didn't bother me or hurt me though.  I've already apologised for not giving you a chance to explain your actions to me, and I've explained mine to you, so...

You do NOT get to play the victim and try to make me look bad.  Because I'VE been HONEST about EVERYTHING!

I feel a lot better now that I've gotten that out, because like I said I haven't talked to any of my friends about it.  So this was really just my way to release it I suppose you could say, and now I'm done.  Thanks for "listening" to me vent for all of those who read this, and thanks for looking over my vent to those that don't.  I just really needed to get that off my heart before I can fully "let it go" because even though I have let it go awhile ago, I just really needed to get it out, say it or write it, to give it some finality and a concrete end!



Shell said...

It sounds like you are better off without a "friend" like that.

Babes Mami said...

That's not a friend!

Dazee Dreamer said...

thanks for pouring your heart out. and the other 2 commentors are right. she is not a friend. never has been. you will feel so much better now that you wrote it out, and she's not in your life. I would much rather be alone than have friends like her.

Mr Monkey said...

Hi - Wow heavy - hope you feel better.following from welcome weds, hope you do he same.
Mr Monkey

McKenzie said...

Just popping by to let you know you won an award on my blog!

kimi89 said...
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