The How To Deliver a Baby in a Haunted House with No Electricity and No Running Water Seminar

Here's a little bit of the back story, so that you don't think I'm insane.  My best friend Kristy and I ran a website in High School called Sweet Sale.  We posted a lot of creative writing projects that we collaborated on, and some other things.  We no longer have a website or blog together, but we do ocasionally still work together on various creative writing projects and ideas.  This is one such creative writing project from the strange, strange minds of Kristy and I.  This came about while watching a Haunting show while I was pregnant with Jagger.

The Seminar!

Hi, and welcome to our seminar, which is brought to you by the makers of NASA "Smarter than you since the Kennedy era".  Today we're going to teach you how to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water.

First things first...The mother will likely begin freaking out about having to be in labor in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water. Reassure her that everything is okay. You have taken a seminar called "How to deliver a baby in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water".

Next, have the mother lie down on an old dusty sheet that you found covering the furniture. This is a very important step as this will help keep blood off the floors and help prevent shark attacks. This will also help when you need to move said mother from the environment later.

Also, it is very important to make the father feel like he is a very important part of this process. Tell him to call 911. If he is unable to do so since he is in a haunted house with no electricity and no running water, then advise him to go out and create smoke signals. Also, send him to get some boiling water. If he unable to produce boiling water, then be sure to yell obscenities at him until he tries harder. If this doesn't work, be sure to throw things at him as well. Nine out of ten new fathers say that this technique was enough to make them try harder to find boiling water.

Contrary to popular believe, ghosts are not very helpful when delivering babies.

Okay, now lets get ready for the action. First, you should put on some rubber gloves. If you do not have any, as many people do not pack around rubber gloves then a good old pair of oven mittens will work just fine. Also, you will need a super soaker water gun to help clean the baby afterwards.

If the mother is screaming in pain, you should tell her "SHHHHHHHH I'm trying to listen to the ghosts."  Also, if you are selling Avon this is a great time to ask her to buy some. No new mother wants to go to the hospital without a fresh face.

Once the baby is born you will have to get the father to chew through the cord. Be sure to take a picture of this, as this will likely be his first act of cannibalism. It is also a good idea to take many pictures of the entire event to prepare as a scrap book for later.